Dear MAGAs:

Okay, okay, fun’s over. You’ve worn us down, found us out.

You’re absolutely right about the Deep State, QAnon, and the Covid hoax. It’s also true about the masks. We’re trying to manipulate you into wearing them because we need constant evidence of our power over you. And wow, are guys driving the Mystery Machine for real? Your Scooby Do Crew foiled our evil plot just in time! The next shipment of masks from Wang Chung included a spring-loaded device to cut your tongues out just like all those sluts in A Handmaids Tale, and our beloved Empress Hillary had her divine thumb on the button. But you were waaaay too smart for us. Good job!

In fact, you deserve a massive, coast-to-coast celebration of your achievement. Call it ‘The Purge: Pandemic Style.’ I’ll make some posters and a Facebook event page for you. Нажмите кнопку “Нравится”, чтобы зарегистрироваться! [translate: click here to RSVP!] While you party like it’s 1999, we’ll self-quarantine for a few months. I bet it will be great not to see all those Pinocchio icons clogging your Twitter feed. Take a minute to dance in the streets, kiss a lot of strangers, shoot your guns into the air, and rebuild the soul we’ve been sucking out of you for years.

Meanwhile, all of us so-called scientists, fake news merchants and medical professionals, we radical left terrorists, ivory tower dwellers, coastal elites, New York intellectuals, and jolly green tech giants will head to the basement of our local pizza parlor hideout. We’ll – uuugh – FINALLY peel ourselves out of this filthy skin bag and live our alien lizard truth for a while. We’ll enjoy what’s left of our fresh baby supply (plenty in the freezer), command Satan up from hell and make him our bitch, and hopefully put some real effort into monetizing the kiddie porn. Yeah, it’ll be tough. But ya know what they say: ‘Get a job that you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life,’ am I right?

Anywhooo, by the time we come out, most of you will be dead. For the rest: [in game show announcer voice] Welcome to Herd Immunity!! With your natural superiority restored, you’ll get first class air travel, pre-emptive restitution vouchers worth $5,00, and change-of-address forms for your new home on… that’s right, The Beautiful Marshall Islands!! Enjoy tropical breezes, collect large rocks to spell SOS across miles of beachfront, get to know the unusual new life forms in and around the Bikini Atoll, and heck, maybe find some ancient fake history and science to disbelieve around the nightly tire fire.

And that’s not all! As a special thank you, …reach under your chair… Yep! Everyone gets a monogrammed lead x-ray apron (‘Limbaugh’s Favorite Things’ list for 2021), and a lifetime supply of SPF3000 sunscreen (pharmaceutical-grade – you deserve the best).

Thanks for playing ‘How.Crazy.Are.You?’

C’mon, people. If you’re going to create your own reality, wouldn’t you rather have one that makes you happy? Or is at least plausible? This tinfoil hat, coded message from the nano-transmitter in your dental work thing isn’t a good look. We HAVE to figure out how to get along, and that means we all need to compromise a little.

I’ll start: First, we’re all really sorry for the whole ‘deplorables’ thing. It was wrong and showed a complete lack of character and respect. If it’s any comfort, a lot of us don’t like her very much, either. I don’t think any of her behavior rises to the level of criminal, but she’s not entirely trustworthy. Hillary has also come to embody all the most smug opinions, self-righteous attitudes, and dismissive behaviors that have caused a great shedding of Middle Americans. To that, I can only say that paying a lot for an education doesn’t mean you know how to use it correctly. We have to do better on this, and I hope you’ll let us try. Because the thing I know with every fiber of my being is this: The core principles of the Democratic Party benefit the average American. The Republicans consider business, corporate entities, and boards of directors first, because they believe this crowd will be smarter about using tax breaks and benefits than you will. They confirm it every time they use the word ‘socialism’ to describe any program that tries to help individuals who need it.

Socialism.

For over 50 years that word has been intentionally associated with some of the world’s worst authoritarian regimes and failed states. More than anything, it’s suffering from bad PR. After all, democratic socialism is a founding principle in Norway, Finland, Sweden, Denmark, Great Britain, Canada, the Netherlands, Spain, Ireland, Belgium, Switzerland, Australia, Japan, and New Zealand. I’m not sure how Belgium could be considered oppressive or dangerous, unless you worry about death by chocolate or waffles.

And here’s where it gets even more sticky: You’re already benefiting from a LOT of ‘socialist’ programs: our unemployment insurance, farm subsidies, Social Security benefits, and Medicare/Medicaid, not to mention all of the mundane stuff we take for granted like K-12 education, police and fire protection, libraries, public parks, FEMA, highways, bridges, railways and mass transit, even the military: all examples of socialist programs. Programs funded by all of us pitching in to make this a nicer place to live. Consider the flip side: If you think socialism means losing your freedom, can you imagine the ‘freedom’ of having the fire chief run your credit card while your house is burning down? How would you feel about paying a toll every time you jumped onto a different freeway. Not very free is that way.

And while it’s not a big motivator for me personally, a great deal of the bible talks about generosity and kindness. Matthew is kind of obsessed: ‘That which you do unto the least of these, you also do unto me’ (25:45); ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God’ (19:24). Do you believe it’s right to help one another when it’s needed? Or ‘many hands make light the work?’ Contributed to hurricane relief, or given clothes or household items to Goodwill? Have you ever sung along with ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ while on a road trip that crossed state lines? Then you both agree with and have taken part in Socialism. Can it go bad? Yeah, it sure can. Just like every other aspect of our government, these programs are subject to the same corruption and abuse.

The 2nd Amendment

Now… about guns. Yes, I hate them. I wish they’d all magically turn to dust all over the world. Just… vaporized. Maybe leave a little whiff of lavender or vanilla behind to help with the stress some will feel. But I also believe in our constitution, and the current interpretation of the Second Amendment gives you the right to keep and bear arms. Do I think it’s been clipped and folded over the years to suit our context? Absolutely. Gun rights advocates and lobbyists always leave off the first part of the sentence: “A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” As we were battling the Brits trying to establish our own country, the term “militia” referred to groups of men who banded together to protect their communities, towns, and colonies. A very early form of the National Guard. Many people in America at the time believed governments used soldiers to oppress the people and thought the federal government should only be allowed to raise armies (with full-time, paid soldiers) when facing foreign adversaries. For all other purposes, it should turn to part-time militias, or ordinary civilians using their own weapons.

And if you’re going to keep believing all this lunatic fringe bullshit, this country will continue to suffer.