The American Taliban

In what seems like a rare moment of lucidity, a 2014 federal court struck down Texas legislation on strict photo ID requirements at the ballot box. The bill was written in attempt to control voter fraud.

Citing the Voting Rights Act, the 3-judge panel unanimously declared the law unconstitutional in that it put undue hardship on the poor and disenfranchised, particularly along racial lines. Federal justices declared the State regulations as unreasonable in that they’re attempting to fix a problem that doesn’t exist.

Texas governor Rick Perry (R) sharply criticized the federal court’s ruling as overreaching, despite the fact that there’s absolutely no indication of voter fraud being any threat to election integrity in Texas or anywhere else. He led the charge to appeal, attaching new evidence to the Fifth Circuit in New Orleans. The appellate court sent it to Federal Judge Nelva Gonzales Ramos for review. In her recent ruling, Judge Ramos wrote that the evidence cited by the Fifth Circuit “did not tip the scales” in favor of the state’s argument.

In other examples of voting rights manipulation, the courts officially banned Florida’s deadline for turning in voter registration applications. Following the 2010 midterm elections, state legislators closed the submission window from 10 days to just 48 hours. A registrant may still submit their forms within the week, provided they pay a ‘filing fee.’ The drop in new Democrats being registered was steep and immediate. Post office closings in rural areas meant paperwork was unlikely to reach its destination within the required 2 days. Poorer inner city and college voters are less likely to have ready transportation, so hand delivery to their county or state elections office – sometimes hundreds of miles away – was not practical. And if a registrant faces transportation challenges, it’s likely they wouldn’t have the ready cash to buy the extra time they need to file.

Even leading up to the most recent elections, two additional states (Wisconsin, North Carolina) attempted to change voter registration laws in a way that would ‘disenfranchise minority voters with almost surgical precision.’ [I prefer hearing John Oliver tell the story because it lends the appropriate volume of absurdity.]

And of course, ‘massive voter fraud’ was inexplicably cited by the winner of the presidential election in 2016. I’m not positive, but I feel okay saying that the winner of an election has never screamed ‘voter fraud!’ before.

So how did we get here?

This isn’t Myanmar or Somalia or Belarus. How did the United States – paragon of justice and democracy – suddenly become the new hot bed for voter fraud? We can thank George W. Bush, Karl Rove, busloads of lawyers, and all those damnable hanging chads.

Rewind to Florida, November 1999: Necessity is the mother of invention, and Republicans had great need. During the blitz and in the weeks and months following the contested election, we were promised a cleaner, more reliable voting system. But somehow the combined brilliance of a nation that put humans on the moon could not figure out how to build bullet-proof voting technology.

Voices were raised, insults leveled, vendors fired, and all their ideas summarily thrown out, aqua cum infanta. “Aw shucks, everybody. We tried really hard, but ‘t turns out we were better off with the original system!” drawls the biggest beneficiary of the original system.

Fast forward: January 25th , 2009. Somewhere behind a platinum address on K Street, tea-baggers, conservative think-tankers and high-net-worth strategists sit around trying to design the next GOP bumper sticker:

“Fear: the Other White Meat”

The economy is the new USSR, and it’s going to steal your kids and sell them to the Gypsies. It’s big and super dangerous and only we know how to control it. Whatever you do, don’t look it in the eye or provoke it. Just get out of the way – and here, take the Dodd-Frank Act and all its pesky consumer protections with you. Trust the free market and all will be as it’s meant to be. We’ll take care of you now.

“Democrats Hate Success.”

Liberals resent the fact that we’ve figured out how to take our existing family wealth and multiply it a hundredfold by rescuing all of those union-choked manufacturers and sending work to China where they’re rightly grateful to work 100 hours for Four American Dollars. Democrats hate that we’ve built tax-insulated empires of light inside their evil leftist oppression machine. They’re just jealous.

“God hates democrats.”

Democrats are amoral. They murder babies and coddle criminals. They will rape your wives and daughters and the rest of your livestock. They will force you to live next door to gay people until you are infected with homosexuality and AIDS. The founding fathers were Christians and they built America on Christian values. But from their radical leftist towers at NYU and Berkley, Democrats accuse good God-fearing people of being ignorant and acting against their own best interests. But the Democrats’ best interests are those of Satan! They represent the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, and will stop at nothing until we’re all roasting in hell together.

“Obama’s a Terrorist.”

Just look at his name! (drop the mic)

“Live Free: Die Poor!”

Poverty isn’t bad, it’s just a victim of bad press. Poverty is true FREEDOM! Freedom from government interference in your life! Freedom from those diabolical entitlements that stand between you and your American Dream, which is to be the first in your family to pick lettuce for my $80 wedge salad at Bolo. Who needs welfare when we have itinerant farm labor and so many messy hotel rooms??

At this, The Brain Trust is proud and lights a cigar. Dick Cheney strolls quietly into the room, his flying monkey Paul Wolfowitz leashed at his side. “Ambitious plan,” he says, wordlessly signaling his pet to bring the hors d’oeuvres tray – no, not the damned cucumber sandwiches, just the rumaki and those delicious pickled shrimp. Yes, I know they’re not good for my heart. Just bring them here you stupid little ape, or I’ll take you hunting with me.

“These messages all have excellent potential, but they’ll require full saturation. Very expensive,” he purrs as he folds his arms. “So if we can’t reach them all, we’ll need to cull the herd. Let’s make voting harder for everyone who’s not underwriting our careers.”

Who Are These People?

Who relies on fear to keep people in line? Who’s intolerant of any voice that isn’t their own? Man, this sounds so familiar… I really can’t encapsulate the problem any better than Aaron Sorkin did in Will McAvoy’s editorial dialog for ‘The Newsroom.’

The Values and Doctrines Driving the New Right-Wing Nutjobs:

• Ideological purity

• Compromise is weakness

• A fundamental belief in scriptural literalism

• Science is wrong

• Fact and new information is subjective

• A hostile fear of progress

• A demonization of education

• Need to control women’s bodies

• Severe xenophobia

• Tribal, exclusionist mentality

• Intolerance of dissent; requiring blind trust of leadership

“They can call themselves the Tea Party. They can call themselves Conservatives. They can even call themselves Republicans, although Republicans certainly shouldn’t. But we should call them what they are: The American Taliban.

And an American Taliban cannot survive as long as its victims are still allowed to vote.

Sticks and Stones

This is by far the oldest and deepest of the practical magics. However, it’s only as strong as you allow it to be. Like Tinkerbell, you need to believe it in: 

Sticks and stone may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me.

People are cruel. They say stupid shit, but it’s only sounds; noises. We assign the meaning and value. Are those words true? Do they serve any purpose other than upsetting you or making you feel small? Probably not. But here we hit a nerve; it’s the reason why this one often fails us when we really need it: We don’t always have time to put this charm in place before the curse has been thrown. Finding and using your guts is hard when there’s already a knife in them.

How do I know? I’ll tell you about Keri Wilson. We went through grade school together, often in the same class by some absurd twist of fate. She was the Alpha and Omega Mean Girl; pretty, very well dressed, a quiet, delicate little thing with perfect hair, the center of the A-Group (better known as the universe) and all the boys wanted to marry her. Or at least she thought so. I, on the other hand, was tall, clunky-chunky (bigger than most of the boys until high school), stick-straight hair except for some unfortunate cowlicks, “very social” (teacher-speak for loud and disruptive), sporting fashions a la Sears and JCPenney.

(Ask me how I know.) Because I’m wasn’t going to show them my blood, I developed this thing where I looked them square in the eye for a few seconds, judging, squinted a little and said, ‘You’re ugly,” and walked away.

Opting Out

It’s a beautiful spring day. You’re on a nice walk. There’s a dog up ahead and he drops a big steamer on the sidewalk right in your line of approach. Do you pick that shit up and make it your own? Schmeer it all over your clothes, your face and hair; maybe put some in your pocket for later so you can make jewelry with it once it dries? Of course not. It’s gross. In addition to being unhygienic, handling shit is a common indicator of psychosis. When someone drops shit in your path, don’t embrace it. Step over, go around, or -ideally- kick it off the sidewalk so no one else has to step in it. Choose not to opt in to whatever wrong nonsense someone tries to run on you.

Another method of opting out: You’re in a tug of war. On the other end of the rope is an asshole and his goal is to humiliate you. With every new insult or cruelty, he pulls you closer to that score line which will be you posting an ugly cry. Except, you never saw the signup sheet for this! [he drags you closer to the mud…] In a flash of clarity, you realize that the only way he can pull you down is if you’re holding onto the other end of the rope… so… you simply let go, and he falls on his ass like an idiot. Sure, you technically lose at tug of war, but who cares? You win at denying him the power to upset you. You’re clean and on your feet, heading for the fourth period Chemistry. Your tormentor is dirty and bruised and on his ass. All you had to do was JUST LET GO OF THE DAMN ROPE.

My mom had another little piece of magic called, “Consider the Source.” It’s a helpful sort of…equation to help you determine if this problem is really worth your time. Is the troll related to you? Do they hold any claims of friendship with you or those you love? Do they pay your bills, or are they in a position to either advance your career or end it? Would you suffer in any measurable way if they simply fell off the planet? If you answer NO to any of these, then who cares? Why do you need that person’s praise? Why are you so desperate for the good opinion of someone who’s bringing no value to your life?

All you tender-hearted, everything-matters little darlings need to think about your caring as a precious resource. Put a dollar value on it! Little brother acting like a general dickhead $2. He puts your favorite wool sweater in the dryer and shrinks it down to Barbie size? $6 + Telling Mom (and maybe putting some kitty roca in his favorite shoes, but that’s just me). One of your 2nd tier friends leaves you off of a fun Snapchat: 50 cents. Bestie does the same: $3. You have $20 worth of Shits to give today. Try to have some left at the end of the day. Go forth. Spend wisely.

If you’re still feeling butt-hurt about things someone says or does to you, remember 94% of the people who’ve been mean to you will be doomed to a long life of painful mediocrity. The only rewards they collect are measured in retweets, which have little if any measurable value. In the same way you avoided the shit and dropped the rope, you can opt out of this game as well! Go read a book or do some volunteer work.

I’m not made uncomfortable by you expressing your opinions, because I have my Sticks-n-Stones mojo properly installed. Fuck all that. Get over it. The world’s a big, crazy place, and the sooner you grow some actual skin, the happier you’re going to be.