The Penelope Paradigm

The holy book on my nightstand is called “The Odyssey.” It was written by Homer, who is not God but looks a lot like Him.

I believe in Medusa, who is not my first boss but looks a lot like her. I also believe in Perseus who chopped off Medusa’s head, at which point a beautiful flying horse popped out of her neck. Kinda like a reverse piñata. Olé!

I believe in Zeus because he was his own grandpa, which I think is a pretty neat trick. I believe a beautiful woman can turn men into swine and that they can go around like that for ten years without anyone really noticing. …Although, when you put it that way it’s not a very hard trick at all.

One day after a very long war, Odysseus came home to find that his wife had 108 boyfriends. He knew he had to leave town, find a place where he could chill out and maybe restore his manhood. Amsterdam hadn’t been invented yet, so he decided to take the boat out.

Note: None of us really believe the whole 108 suitors thing, especially with a name like Penelope. We understand this part is just a parable; it’s cautionary tale of all the bad things that will happen when you’re a greedy slut. But I do believe in six-headed sea monsters, and that it’s possible to keep some spare wind in a leather bag provided it meets TSA regulations and fits in the overhead storage bin.

I confess to some ambivalence around the Sirens. I believe women’s choruses aren’t so much irresistible as they are smarmy New Age victim conventions and should be avoided at all cost. But if you must go to one of their concerts, do not seek the treasure in the form of gluten-free carob chip cookies. You’ll wake up to find yourself turning compost in a Santa Rosa ashram swaddled head to toe in purple hemp.

The Sirens weren’t the only problem. His adventure was pretty fraught. He seemed to get in a lot of trouble with monsters, and was disappointed that Zeus or Poseidon didn’t help out a little more. Generally, I think Odysseus would’ve had better luck booking with Travelocity, but Zeus in his wisdom!

Sure, the whole tale is allegorical, but that doesn’t change the truth of it! These are very, very old stories; older than Jesus by 1,100 years. Being older makes them truer. Doubtors say, ‘Heck, these things happened nearly a century before the author was even born. So how did he know?’ Well, Zeus installed a laundry chute in their heads and threw Odysseus down the hole like ‘Being John Malcovich.’ So these guys weren’t just ‘divinely inspired.’ Odysseus was actually inside their head and moving the pen which makes my religion a LOT truthier.

Still not a believer? What if I got 12 guys to go along with it? Because one of them was my great, great, great x10 grandfather, Piter. He was the most popular sailor right behind Jason and his Argonauts (of course, everyone was ‘behind’ Jason at one point or another; sea voyages are long), so Odysseus said,

“I say unto you, Piter With An ‘I’ Because You’re From Norway And That’s How They Spell It, you are my captain. You are the ship upon which I will build my busty girlie that goes on the front of the boat. She will be the predecessor to the almighty mudflap girlie but with Aphrodite’s face so the bitch might finally leave me alone and stop wrecking my stuff because it’s impossible to get a restraining order out here, and who’s going to enforce it? The Gorgons? No, I don’t think so. Hey! Who took my last bag of wind?”

Thus spaketh Odysseus.
(Congregation responds: bow, turn your head and cough.)

This is my faith, and I have the right to practice my faith with no interference from the Government. But since this is a really good faith (being so truthy and all), I think the State’s actions should be directed by and held accountable to certain of its tenets. For example, every woman must keep no more than 107 but no fewer than three husbands: one for working, one for sex, and one for vehicle maintenance. Those who think they don’t need reliable income or tire rotation – people who think they can just lead their own lives without giving a single thought to MY feelings – these people are being disrespectful. They are mocking my faith and seeking to destroy me. They spit in the face of Zeus, Odysseus, and the Gorton’s Fisherman, three captains of the golden dinghy in which all blessings row. It’s exactly that kind of selfish, divergent behavior that is ruining this country. They’re probably terrorists who eat their babies and shop for underwear bombs at YemenThunderPants.com/spring-jihad.

Hyperbole? Not entirely.

Not after business leaders cite their personal religious beliefs as justification for stripping coverage of certain healthcare benefits. These benefits are part of my compensation, so they’re quite literally stealing from me. I should be compensated with the cash value of that benefit that’s being denied.

Ironically, these are the same folks who kicked up a huge fuss when unions asked for automatic payroll deductions to keep membership dues current. “We have no right to interfere in that relationship,” business owners cried. “This is a free market economy where employees should retain full control over their pay and how it is spent.” But when I spend my money on birth control prescriptions or – heaven forbid – an abortion, they’ve given themselves more than a right to interfere: they’ve been imbued with a moral obligation to stop me. So no, the Odyssean claim isn’t that farfetched. Not when I hear televangelist nut jobs telling parents to beat the gay out of their kids.

Scratch a little of the kooky paint off, and my shit’s not weird. At all.

And now marriage, that most fragile of institutions – apparently the spotted owl of our beloved social constructs – is under threat. At no time since the great snake-and-apple incident has marriage been at greater risk of devolving forever. It’s a sacred bond between a man and a woman and it must be protected at all cost, and I’m taking up the banner.

To prove my sincerity, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll sign your cute little ‘Protect Marriage’ petition and give you my full-throated support as soon as you criminalize divorce and adultery. Because we can’t even begin to talk about the sanctity of marriage while divorce is still in play.

In all seriousness, I need someone to explain to me exactly how gay marriage diminishes or in any way impacts the value of a straight couple’s relationship. If you have a good way to parse this thing so that it makes sense, I’ll buy you dinner. My only stipulation: when your logic loses steam, you can’t run to the ultimate Christian stonewall (pun intended), of “It’s what my faith tells me so that makes it right and now that I’ve said ‘faith’ you can’t say any more about it, so neener-neener.” Of what I’ve been able to divine, the Marriage Protectors don’t see this as bringing gay couples up to the Lido deck for some shuffleboard and white wine spritzers. In their mind, gay marriage drags (sorry) hetero couples down to steerage. There are no words for how ridiculous this is. Just pointing out the absurdity is… absurd.

Because I don’t have the patience for that argument, I’ll simply allow your God to make my point for me.

• “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.”
• “Do not presume to know the mind of God.”

Not sure if you remember the Pharisees. You know, those guys in the funny hats who thought they knew everything and meted out their own justice like some kind of Jerusalem Mafiosi? As I recall, it didn’t work out too good for them.

And when seen in a judicial light, thinking that WE know everything hasn’t exactly worked for us, either. The world is flat. Witches float. Children of interracial parents will be sterile like mules, (hence the term ‘mulato’). Draining ‘bad’ blood out of the body will cure just about anything. Drilling a hole in someone’s head will let out the ill humors (evil spirits causing the sickness). Women have no souls, and therefore cannot own land which means they also can’t vote. Heroin is a perfectly safe and useful analgesic for curing headaches, muscle aches and general malaise, but ‘refer madness’ will turn you into a crazed, amoral menace to society.

These were considered axioms from the most celebrated minds of their age. Today, they couldn’t look more idiotic.

So let’s all start by saying we don’t know jack. No matter how many Sundays you spend on your knees, you still don’t know jack. If I was a believer, I’d say my sins in all their Technicolor glory are between me and my Creator. As long as they haven’t impacted you or interfered with your ability to pursue life, liberty and happiness, I will ask you to kindly remove yourself from my spiritual equation. If it turns out my ideas about gay marriage, abortion, polygamy (SHOCK!), or religion in general are wrong, then I guess I’ll have some explaining to do. That also will be between me and God. I’ll shrug and wave while you ride the express angel transport to the Great Pearlies.

In the meantime, you’re welcome to say you don’t agree with extending to everyone the same freedom and rights that you enjoy. I’ll say that I believe your philosophy to be morally bankrupt, and sincerely hope you will change your mind some day. You are free to say that abortion isn’t nice. I’ll wholeheartedly agree, and will encourage you to design some viable options and incentives for women who may be willing to carry babies to term. Rather than taking away all choices, give them better choices. Help them choose the right thing.

Under no circumstances, however, shall any person or parties so wholly unconnected to me be allowed to dictate the terms of my life according to their entirely subjective idea of faith. Persistence down this track will spawn an army of devout Odysseans or purple track-suited Hale-Bopper zombies bent on your distruction. [Yes, think Lord of the Rings here, a big swarm of the Oathbreakers, ‘the way is shut, it was made by those who are dead…’ all over your ass.]

Maybe a new faith of record will honor the arts and scientific rigor; perhaps it vilifies the use of baseless fear as a weapon of control. It may actually embrace all those things that Jesus wanted us to do, like being kind to people, welcoming the stranger, not obsessing so much about having more money than you could spend in 50 lifetimes, and not being a fucking hypocrit. Because it wants everyone to be happy, maybe it won’t keep enabling the patriarchy, and may even encourage the prospect of women having 108 suitors vying for their attention.

I don’t know! That might be nice.