Is God Baked Into America?
Something I find baffling: Christians go into vapor-lock over atheists, saying they’re inherently evil and amoral. ‘If you don’t have God in your life, what’s going to stop you from murdering everyone you see? How can you know how to be a good person?’
I’d love to know how many atheists are well-documented for telling more than 30,000 lies to the American people over the course of 4 years. [They tell their children not to lie, but this guy elevates it to a high art form – and they LOVE him for it.] How many atheists are actively trying to disqualify women from participating in democracy because they don’t have children. How many atheists are carrying weapons into schools or breaking into the capital, wounding and killing security personnel and threatening duly-elected political leaders with death for simply fulfilling their constitutional obligation.
It MUST be atheists who are eating peoples’ pets, stealing ducks and geese from the parks (unlike cats, roasted wild fowl are good eats all over the world, so I’m not gonna be mad at that even if it’s true) and blaming it on immigrants. It’s clearly atheists who are trying to rile up all their unholy friends to threaten fully-documented, INVITED GUESTS of this country, forcing them to shelter in place or risk their lives at the hands of vigilantes. There’s a kabal of apostates at the center of it, terrorizing children, and generating fear to drive decent, hard-working people out of the country! No Christian would ever tolerate that. Christ told us to welcome the stranger, feed the hungry, wash the feet of the weary traveler. Only Satan-lovers would use the threat of violence to control people.
That would be a tidy little truth, but no. These are good, God-fearin’ dwellers of the heartland terrorizing Haitians, because cruelty is hard-coded in their DNA.
Their Roman oppressors taught early Christians a lot about governing through fear. Knowing you could be pulled off the street or out of your home and dumped onto the sand of the Coliseum just because you worship only one god, you’re gonna keep schtum. Unless your idea of the afterlife is as kitty roca in some lion’s litter box. Sure, the threat prevents you from sharing fellowship with like minded folks. Your spiritual life is strictly spiritual, but it’s life, which is decidedly better than being cat shit.
Fast forward a thousand years, and we begin to see how Christians took those lessons to heart.
The Roman Empire has gotten a glow-up; they’re now the Holy Roman Empire, with both an Emperor AND a Pope (double your murder, double your fun!). So certain were they of their righteousness, they killed 1.7M in the Crusades. God smiled on Louis XV as he massacred 70,000 Protestant Huguenots; 25,000 in Paris alone. By comparison, the Spanish Inquisition is little more than the Cowboys v. 49ers: only 4,000 dead Jews and Muslims (and anyone who threw too much side-eye at their methods).
Behind all the ringing bells and swinging thuribles, Erasmus and Savonarola saw rot setting in and politely suggested reform. None came, of course. I mean, after you pay for Holy Spirit™ incense, this thing is 100% profit. ‘The more we yell at them, the more they pay us! You two can get on board or get stuffed.’ But those two were followed by more serious troublemakers, Martin Luther, John Knox, and John Calvin who knew the church was deeply corrupt and needed to be curbed. Permanently. They kicked the legs out from under Catholicism, declaring no divine intervention is needed. With Latin bibles being translated, everyone could have a personal relationship with the creator. (Ugh, I feel like I sprained my eyeballs, they rolled so far back in my head.) This new church was smart: no more wasting money on Liberace candles and imported tapestries. “You’re going to be cold, and YOU’LL LIKE IT.” These new Protestants kept it lean: plain wooden benches, plain glass in the windows, simple lectern for The Book, and one big cross on the wall. ZERO overhead; practically printing money.
Enter the little bloody English rose, Queen ‘I Roast Marshmallows Seasoned with the Screams of Burning Protestants’ Mary. She pushed them back a bit, torching Protestants and political enemies with impunity. They’re not on fire for believing in the wrong god, mind you, but because they questioned the miraculous transmutation (aka holy hocus-pocus) of turning unleavened bread into the ACTUAL BODY OF CHRIST. Mary’s okay with a little light cannibalism, but praying in English will get you burnt.
In my entirely subjective and ignorant opinion, I think the real problem was that Catholics were pissed off about the threat to their authority. The Pope and his ever-expanding road crew had cornered the God market for millennia; they advised kings, queens and tax collectors. They determined who should rise or fall in royal courts, arranged marriages to concentrate power in the right families, having insurance in all those dirty little secrets they learned about us in the confessional, and controlled all access to knowledge and the educational process. They sold ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards to the wealthy whenever a few priests wanted to run down to Monte Carlo for the weekend. Cardinals, bishops and their minions were the elite. The ultimate rich and powerful, and now these dour little Calvinists were trying to put them in check. Solution? Burn them, break them, stretch them, drown them, peel their skin off and salt them like jerky even if they were willing to renounce and convert. Because conversion isn’t really the goal. They know the lessons of the Coliseum: There is a cost to be paid if you try to sneak out from under our rule – uh, I mean, (big Wizard of Oz voice) ‘if you stray from God’s grace.’
Over the next several centuries, Protestants fell in and out of favor according to who was on what throne. Understand, the loyal viewers of Knox & Friends did their share of murder and mayhem and general assholery. But the Catholics had a LOT more practice, and were definitely more creative. They hit a temporary wall with the embarrassing Gunpowder Plot. The power plays continued to shift, but the wins/losses were becoming less decisive than St. Bart’s Day in France. After Charles I lost his head, a brief affair with pluralism and Oliver Cromwell, waking to more disappointment with bonny Prince Charlie and that mess in Scotland, the populace was tired of religious strife. When William and Mary stepped in, a kind of wary equilibrium had been achieved: ‘we still disagree, but killing eachother by the thousands doesn’t seem to be working.’
Well, the Calvinists and a few other hardline protestant sects weren’t going to take yes for an answer. They were still having some agita over not utterly destroying the Papists. They also took issue with the Anglicans/Episcopalians who were softening the strict no-frills practices hoping to appeal to Luther-curious Catholics. Apparently, sitting on a straw cushion for the 2-3 hour de-deviling sessions would prevent your salvation. (Pretty sure I’ve experienced Satan EXITING my ass, but had no idea God gets IN that way. Troubling.)
Their endless griping and self-righteousness was threatening the delicate balance. It was eventually the people – not the government or church leaders – who started to apply downward social and economic pressure on zealots. When no one in the town is buying your plain textiles with no buttons, or horseshoes or wagon wheels, and you’re made unwelcome at town gatherings, it’s time to take a page from Vincent Vega: Go to Amsterdam and chill out.
Our intrepid fanatics were far less triggered in the Dutch Republic. It was the first and largest European stronghold for their faith, so everyone was – literally – singing from the same hymnal. But they suffered the reality of all migrants: it wasn’t their home. The pious expats could participate in the local economy, but they weren’t allowed to sell their goods or labor for the same price as the Dutch. They lived in poorer neighborhoods in filthy conditions, suffered from bad nutrition and lack of healthcare. Since they believed bathing was fatal, their atrocious hygiene wasn’t doing them any favors, either. Whether by status or stink, they were not thriving. If they managed to scrape together money for a piece of land, they’d discover restrictions on digging wells or how many horses they could own.
So, the worst HOA ever.
Sure. They had religious autonomy, but that was it. No way to succeed as a people. Then here comes the 12 Years War with Spain. Unable to make decent money locally, the Brits had become entirely dependent on international trade. Spain’s destruction of the Dutch East India Trading Company cuts them off from their one revenue source. The whole Dutch Republic suffered from disease and starvation, so now it raced through our British immigrants like fire. And the post-war politics were exponentially worse. As part of the peace agreement, the Dutch now have a secular government. For our passionate, single-minded, and depleted friends from England, this is a worst case scenario. They were still free to practice their faith in the new regime. But as Pilgrim leader William Bradford recounted, “many of our children are succumbing to manifold temptations and being drawn away by evil examples into extravagant and dangerous courses.”
[dramatic music] Dunt-dunt-DUUUHHHN!
“…So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly…”
Here’s where we start to pick up the threads of our familiar Pilgrim/Plymouth Rock fairytale. They didn’t see a future in Denmark. They wanted their children to be British citizens, but weren’t welcome back home. Someone recalled when France and Spain were carving up the New World (like a delicious Christmas goose), that wanton pervert King James I had started a policy of commuting sentences of convicted criminals if they’d go colonize ‘New England’ for the British Empire. It was still a thing! With no fear of hardship, lots of criminals and heathen natives to convert, and the chance to be British subjects again, 100 or so Quakers and Calvinists loaded up the boats and went across the sea.
We all know what happened next at the hands of our passionate, God-fearing friends: Plunder, suffer, starve, learn about corn, sweet potatoes, tobacco, turkey, peace pipes, forcible conversion attempts, predictable clap-backs, betrayal, Captain Smith, good people on both sides, Andrew Jackson, government slaughter of the buffalos, Trail of Tears, genocide blankets, countless broken treaties, damming of rivers that feed of Native fishing grounds, scratching out a living on land no one wanted, I shall fight no more forever, crying over pollution, rampant alcoholism, 40% tax on casinos with no Native American representation in congress, you know the drill.
Somewhere in all that, the now-thriving British squatters begin to resent their taxes being syphoned off to fund King George’s relentless wars with the French, thus slowing their own ability to grow and thrive. The great(-great 6x) grandchildren of the Pilgrims are starting to wonder what’s so great about being British citizens, after all. As these people tried to invent a new kind of society, they remembered the thousands of criminals and a small group of religious fanatics hoping to practice their faith without persecution. Americans should be able to live their lives without interference of the government. A foundation principle would be liberty and justice. For …most.
Today, those plain, humble, Godly Protestants fly their Lear jets around the country, spreading fear of Satan and preaching salvation through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which can be yours today with the purchase of this beautiful coffee table book, proclaiming your faith for all who enter your home for just $24.95. If you order today, we’ll include this signed and numbered commemorative plate featuring ‘The Gates of Heaven’ in the style of Gawd’s favorite painter, Thomas Kinkade, absolutely free! (Just pay shipping and handling.)
Let’s be clear. No, it’s not the atheists and Satan-worshippers treating immigrants like a disease. Not the godless who are depriving others of the rights guaranteed by our Constitution. It’s not agnostics who’ve forgotten the words at the base of the Statue of Liberty. There are no spiritual heathens actively trying to turn us against one another. I won’t speak for all the godless, but we’re generally a Live and Let Live crowd. We like the Golden Rule. We like to see advancement through science and technology, especially if it can alleviate suffering or bring benefit to all people. Do you know who’s mastered the use of fear as a control mechanism? Evangelists. Sons of the previously oppressed, burned, massacred, and undermined zealots who came here looking for a better life just like so many millions of others.
And come Sunday morning, they bring the brimstone and the eternal agony and evil imps without number. They say there’s no avoiding the suffering unless you support this charismatic leader to protect you from Satan. He says, hire me to stand between you and all evil. Let fake Thomas Kinkade and I light the path, and show you all the fiery pits from which I am saving you because Gawd has shown me the way. Gawd has shown me the right bible chapter and verse to use, and when to use it in order to tip you right outta your sanity and make you rely on me to save your immortal soul!
All he asks in return is to buy a little snake oil from time to time so he can keep the lights on and cameras rolling and his wife’s righteous tits hoisted up to Gawd where they belong.
Despite the separation of church and state promised in the First Amendment, religion is certainly embedded in our foundation. It’s stated loud and clearly on our currency: In God We Trust. If you’re not sure, try to deny or defy that idea in any substantive way without being shouted down. And as look across the long rise of Christianity, we see it is not very Christ-like. Even if it was initially well-intended, western religion has been warped by man and his hunger for power. It preys on ignorance and fear. It targets and thrives on personal hardship to attract followers. It welcomes scorn and the opportunity for martyrdom.
At its very worst, it lifts up and protects the unworthy and violators of children. Case after buried case of pedophilia sits there in full view. This fact alone should disqualify religion from any role in public welfare.
Today, Christianity insists on being superior to all other religions or belief systems, tolerating no question or challenge to its authority. But the moment it attaches itself to secular social governance, it has no choice but to become tyranny.
For my own life, I think it’s the worst kind of cowardice to either blame or credit a supernatural being for my behavior. My grandmother believed Satan was ruling my life and preventing me from visiting more often and paying the respect that was due to her. When in fact, she was was kind of a bitch and I didn’t like her, so I avoided her whenever possible. No Satan required. Just me not wanting to be around shitty people.
But here’s the biggest and most important difference between Christians and the non-religious, and I’ll even present it in Christian terms: Read the biblical text on Mary Magdalene. She’s a prostitute who’s been chased out onto the street by righteous, Godly people and they’re picking up rocks. Jesus puts himself between her and the mob, and invites the one without sin to throw the first stone. I remember a song from church choir and bible camp: “They will know we are Christians by our love.” Have you protected any sex workers lately? Shown kindness to someone who’s been rude to you? Spent any more time on the Beatitudes than it takes to read them on Sunday? Or do you reserve your love for the people who believe exactly as you do, and give your worst Karen to everyone else?
Your own book says you are not put here to judge. It doesn’t matter what is says on our currency or how deeply you believe this is a Christian nation. You have no mandate to control the will or direct the soul of others based upon your ideals, no matter how strongly you believe yourself to be right. Because this is a pluralistic society and I ALSO believe I’m right. The chief difference between us is that I will protect and defend your right to practice your faith without interference. All I ask is that you return that courtesy. Live your life, keep your faith, as long as it doesn’t impinge on the rights of others.