Unwanted Offer Letters
I have a reasonable level of self-confidence, especially when it comes to my experience and abilities, career-wise. So imagine the undermining cracks in my foundation as I head into MONTH ELEVEN with absolutely no offers, no interviews, not even a pre-screening call from the lowest of the HR lowlies merely confirming that this is a real number and I’m capable of forming words with my mouth.
I’ve been filling out 3-5 applications per day, and every day there are a few responses: “Thank you for your interest in joining the [%% company name %%] team. After reviewing the fact that you’ve met absolutely every one of our requirements and will even bring skills we didn’t think to ask for, and have entirely reasonable salary expectations, we’ve decided to move forward with barely-qualified applicants who we will undoubtedly regret within 30 days of hiring them because you’ve already seen this job posted 3 times in the last 6 months. Hopefully, you can begin to look at it like we’re doing you a favor.”
I can’t take much more of it.
Knowing what it means to do a thing over and over and expect a different result, I’ve tried to switch it up a little. Get out from under LinkedIn, try other B-List job boards, other methods of getting attention, and maybe start considering a demotion where a designer half my age and far less than half of my experience might be my boss. [-ugh- shaking that off]
So I register with CareerBuilder. Seconds later, the mail chime is stumbling over itself. I’m overrun with introductions and encouragement to ‘take charge of your career’ with a generic-sounding business and no specific talk about a job title or what I’ll be doing. Always a promise of financial freedom.
To amuse myself, I’ve started responding to them. This is that journey into the heart of darkness…
SUBJECT Re: Have you given it any thought?
Excerpt: I’m following up on a message I sent last week about a career opportunity with American National Insurance. As you may recall, I ran across your resume online and thought that you would make an ideal candidate…
—
Hello, Steve
Gosh, I apologize for the delay! Since signing up for this CareerBuilder thingy, I’ve been overrun with offers from stable and respected and highly-rated companies encouraging me ‘take charge of my career’ by selling sketchy legal services or risk-free time share vacations to factory workers on their lunch break, people fever-clutching their 30-day coin at AA meetings, or other unwilling captive audience situations.
So, I hope you’ll indulge my curiosity: What specifically made you think that I’d be well suited for this role? Was it my creative contributions to global brands like adidas, Nike, or Stanford Hospital & Clinics? Was it my ability to craft compelling and authentic brand stories? Which of my abilities or accomplishments made you say, ’this girl who has focused her entire life on leading specialized creative teams would be GREAT at selling insurance?’
Obviously, that’s a rhetorical question. You didn’t look at my resume. If you did, you’d know that I’d have to shed my opposable thumbs and live in a cave to be less interested. Your company’s SalesForce.com, HubSpot, or some cheap CRM knockoff dropped my name onto your call sheet, and you’re just trying to make your numbers. I get it. Unfortunately, it gets worse…
To throw more nails on your runway, I can tell you a little about your company, American National Insurance. I ran a small creative/marketing agency for a while. We were doing pretty well, so I was looking into getting coverage for the team. The cousin of my business partner was selling these policy-scented flushable wipes, so I listened to her pitch. She was nice. My partner really wanted to help her out and believed it was legit, so we signed up. Steve, did you ever read or see ’The Rainmaker?’ We were playing the unwitting victim in a John Grisham novel. We couldn’t find doctors or systems who would accept the coverage. When we finally DID find someone, even the most basic claims would get denied (but only after you sat on the claim for 6-8 months hoping we’d just pay out of pocket and forget about being reimbursed). I’m also fairly certain that the ‘independent’ rating company (AM Best) is shill owned by American National. Can’t prove it, of course, but both had the same shotty designer do the logo.
Even in some Bizarro World where I might voluntarily consign myself to hell, it would never be with that company.
I’ll continue entertaining the idea that there’s something out there that aligns with my skills, career goals, and most basic need for self-respect. But if we really are in the End Times and no one needs Creative Directors, I’ll open an Etsy storefront, drive for the evil Amazon empire, work in a fat girl discount clothing retailer, or become a freelance tax preparer before I’d go lurching from one sad lunchroom to another trying to sell insurance to people.
Please mark my lead status as ‘utterly dead and radioactive.’